Okay, two things to start. First, if you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know I don’t like zombies, but seem to be bizarrely obsessed with the idea of them. Second, in a fair number of post-apocalyptic visions – be it film, book, etc – there always seem to be a certain segment of society that turns to cannabilism and gets a taste for human flesh, which to me (and for the sake of this argument), makes them basically zombies.
I guess I can’t get past the idea that while it’s obviously a huge taboo in our society (and most human societies) to consume human flesh, why would post-apocalypse I suddenly discover a hidden urge to eat my friends?
Yeah, I know, survival and all – you’re starving, there’s nothing to eat, so you say, “hey, Bob next to me looks pretty tasty, maybe I should try a bite.” Next thing you know (at least in myth, where consuming human flesh dooms you to become a zombie, or some other kind of monster), you’re off chasing down friends and family as soon as you feel a bit peckish.
So, I’ve decided to help you out, five ways to avoid starting to eat others, and (since maybe your friends don’t read my blog and follow the tips) ten ways to avoid being eaten.
Five ways to avoid eating others:
- Do not make a habit of nibbling on your friends or family. (Nope, not even a little bit.)
- Learn to forage. There are a lot of options for nourishment that don’t include people. Stored goods? What about warehouses? Berries and fruit growing outside?
- Grow your own food so you won’t get too hungry. Start with vegetables, perhaps move up to livestock and other forms of self-sufficiency. (And no, livestock may not include family or humans of any kind).
- If you’re getting unimaginably hungry and can’t stop looking at Grandma, remember to keep repeating the mantra: “People are not food. People are not food.”
- If the urge to eat others becomes completely unmanageable, at least avoid eating people you know (since that’s just rude, and if you’re going to become a zombie, the least you can do is be a polite one).
Alright, so admittedly by ways to avoid eating others weren’t so strong. Guess it seems even more important to find ways to avoid being eaten, which is why there are ten ways to avoid being eaten:
- Avoid zombies and other cannibals (duh).
- Do not marry or remain married to a zombie, and if you are, do NOT encourage them to give you gentle little love pecks or nibbles.
- Trust no one. Yeah, that guy might look normal, but if people keep randomly turning into zombies all over the place, do you really want to invite one into your house?
- Always spot the exit, and avoid places with only one entrance or exit. (You know zombies are always smart enough to corner you, even when they’re not that smart.)
- Arm yourself (if you have to, and if you haven’t found someone else who can be armed instead of you … okay fine, a big stick if you have to, and only if the zombies really are everywhere.)
- Eat your vegetables. For some reason, mosquitoes aren’t supposed to like the blood of those who eat primarily vegetables (especially vegans); maybe it’s the same for zombies. Besides, vegetables are good for you, and if you’re eating them, you’re not eating your buddy.
- Taste bad. If you’re dirty, smelly, and smell more like rotten socks than food, you’ll probably be pretty unappealing. Besides which, fresh water will probably be at a premium, so conserve your water, and put up with the smelling nastiness in the hopes it will (literally) save your skin.
- Have a source of alternative food. Grow your own vegetables. Use that store of canned goods downstairs. If there’s other food around to eat, maybe your buddy will find you less appealing.
- Get in shape. Now, not later. If you can outrun the zombies (or as some would say, if you can outrun your slowest companions) you’re safe.
- Finally, hang out in groups. There’s safety in numbers – especially if some of the group might be tastier options than you, or if they can’t run as fast (see above).
Anyway, have I missed any? Hope you’ve enjoyed – please leave any further suggestions, and hope you have a great week.